Unsealing the Zeal

Staring at the bottom face of the upper bed of this double-decked bed, I couldn’t evade perception of superfluous random thoughts. My head feels heavy and throbs with the feeling like the after effects of an extreme roller coaster ride. I feel sick.

Recollections of events that put me to this very spot are somewhat surreal. More than a year has been exhausted since I left my hometown in search of greener pastures and adventure that had me bordering humdrum. I really didn’t know what happened. Things rolled out so swiftly. All the plenty time seemed to me like a day or so.

These are just what bugs me at the moment. I felt drained of zeal. I rise every day, do regular stuff but before going to bed an awareness that something is missing within me as if I am craving for something buoys.

In retrospection I see myself as this vibrant youth, full of energy and ambition. I saw this daredevil. Fear seemed to be frightened at me. I was before, this childish lad brimming with confidence. I embraced every endeavour I jumped at without doubting.

I was successful as a student. I make sure that all ends meet regardless of the rough times I have to brace. I do my stuff, brought some laurels home and be who I am. However, that friend, this other side of me, seemed to hide for some time.

Today it dawned on me that reality strikes hard. Skipping through the events, I just had a burn out. Pressure cracked my walls and penetrated me. I am psyched at the thought of the future.

Before the end of 2011 I decided to go AWOL from my previous job. I always worked out an excuse for it. If someone asks what happened I tell them that the employee and employer relationship got severed because of some personal matters I have to deal with. I also kept it a secret from my partner (I am sorry my dear!) but the real score is, I ran out of fuel.

At the beginning I was like a formula one racer. Focused at the goal I stepped at the gas pedal so eagerly. I was at full speed. I enjoyed the jolting rush it brought through my system. I was independent, away from my family and closer to my beloved. I forgot to control my reigns to last for the entire race.

Fear is bit by bit consuming me. I am afraid of the life that I might give him. I am jobless and I felt useless. I lie everyday staring at the tube. Time is rolling out a tenfold but are put to waste or was it?

Reading through all this I just wanted to hit the delete button for one important reason. It dawned on me that not a tick was put to waste. I have spent every second of more than a year and four months of my life with my beloved and there are no regrets.

I do not have the right to be all sulky. I am very lucky to have my Hubs beside me. One thing I forgot is to live the present. I was so hooked to the future that I may be in a haywire. Many times did he caught me staring at nowhere for I worry too much. Now I realized that what brings me to this point is the love I am holding on to and I ought to live every bit of it happily. I am not a tinge sad but better.

The very arms that embraces me before I close my eyes at night are owned by someone who has a love so huge that it erases every  bit of doubt . With all these I am ready to face the future. Every night  I will be at peace and with high hopes I could picture him with the key to open the doors at a place where my zealous friend awaits our reunion.

Good thing is, I just received a message from my future company. All for the best. I love you and borrowing Edward Cullen’s words, let’s start with forever!

20 Seconds and More

“All you need is twenty  seconds of insane courage  and I promise you, something great will come of it." – Matt Damon(as Benjamin Mee), We Bought a Zoo

This phrase raced gazillion times inside my head right after watching that movie. It makes me wonder how 20 seconds could change someone's life in a spur of a moment. This littlest fraction of time which, in its real essence, could actually distort one's entire stock of seconds he has left to exhaust in history.

A commonplace in the human dilemma is the journey one would have to go through on an entire day. The very moment  we wake up comes a parade of thoughts of “what’s next?” pulsating heavily in that small meat enclosed in our hard cranium. It is unfathomable how complex the processes should go that even making your usual coffee everyday is very critical to come up to that distinct taste your taste buds have the craving for.

Most of our time is dedicated to an end, whatever that end means to one. Man’s ultimate goal, as it has always been underscored, is happiness. We live our lives for the purpose of achieving that satisfaction and indescribable joy.

We spend our days going to school, earning money, buying things, gaining friends and fighting foes yet before we go to sleep we then tap at ourselves and feel gloomy. Staring at the ceiling (some stare at the sky), we realize that this isn’t enough. The very next day we find ourselves studying more hours, working harder, gaining more friends and evading new foes. We could picture or life-lessons-logbook getting bulkier. At the very end of the day, like a tiger unsuccessful of catching its prey, contentment isn‘t filled to the brim. This process of soul searching is very wearing that most of us get lost in the way, with that 20 seconds of thought, some just decide to put an end to it.

A small amount of time as it may seem, 20 seconds of searching is tiresome. This makes or breaks. It is funny how this span of time could be used at extreme moments. The news of winning the lottery could elevate one’s happy hormones at their max but the instant before a car crash is on a different palette. On a personal note, every 20 second and this whole soul searching boils down to how we react to eventful circumstances and handle these very moments in our existence. It all depends on one’s outlook in life. It’s like seeing a glass of water. It’s up to you if you see it half empty or half filled.

During childhood days in our Values Education class, we were thought to see life as a race. As a matter of fact, the imagery instilled to us then was to a point of owning horses to ride on. How we care for it spells if it would reach the finish. It seemed foolish seeing life like this, the whole race seemed to be a struggle to bear and can only be changed 20 seconds before the goal is met.

Now that I’ve grown I have had my own share of 20 seconds encrypted in my memories. This bits of moments allowed me to see life more of a jig-saw puzzle than a race. It is not only the whole picture that I am rooting for. I realized that the ultimate goal, happiness that is, could be found every time a piece of the puzzle falls into the right place and some of these we might meet at some 20 seconds of our existence.

I am proud that I learned to enjoy living the moment. The very 20 seconds that my partner kisses me and says goodnight is always a piece that never fails to fit in the puzzle. I also learned to treasure and pay so much attention to the more positive 20 seconds of my life.

After all, this is a zoo. We never know when we could be preyed on in 20 seconds.