Staring at the bottom face of the upper bed of this double-decked bed, I couldn’t evade perception of superfluous random thoughts. My head feels heavy and throbs with the feeling like the after effects of an extreme roller coaster ride. I feel sick.
Recollections of events that put me to this very spot are somewhat surreal. More than a year has been exhausted since I left my hometown in search of greener pastures and adventure that had me bordering humdrum. I really didn’t know what happened. Things rolled out so swiftly. All the plenty time seemed to me like a day or so.
These are just what bugs me at the moment. I felt drained of zeal. I rise every day, do regular stuff but before going to bed an awareness that something is missing within me as if I am craving for something buoys.
In retrospection I see myself as this vibrant youth, full of energy and ambition. I saw this daredevil. Fear seemed to be frightened at me. I was before, this childish lad brimming with confidence. I embraced every endeavour I jumped at without doubting.
I was successful as a student. I make sure that all ends meet regardless of the rough times I have to brace. I do my stuff, brought some laurels home and be who I am. However, that friend, this other side of me, seemed to hide for some time.
Today it dawned on me that reality strikes hard. Skipping through the events, I just had a burn out. Pressure cracked my walls and penetrated me. I am psyched at the thought of the future.
Before the end of 2011 I decided to go AWOL from my previous job. I always worked out an excuse for it. If someone asks what happened I tell them that the employee and employer relationship got severed because of some personal matters I have to deal with. I also kept it a secret from my partner (I am sorry my dear!) but the real score is, I ran out of fuel.
At the beginning I was like a formula one racer. Focused at the goal I stepped at the gas pedal so eagerly. I was at full speed. I enjoyed the jolting rush it brought through my system. I was independent, away from my family and closer to my beloved. I forgot to control my reigns to last for the entire race.
Fear is bit by bit consuming me. I am afraid of the life that I might give him. I am jobless and I felt useless. I lie everyday staring at the tube. Time is rolling out a tenfold but are put to waste or was it?
Reading through all this I just wanted to hit the delete button for one important reason. It dawned on me that not a tick was put to waste. I have spent every second of more than a year and four months of my life with my beloved and there are no regrets.
I do not have the right to be all sulky. I am very lucky to have my Hubs beside me. One thing I forgot is to live the present. I was so hooked to the future that I may be in a haywire. Many times did he caught me staring at nowhere for I worry too much. Now I realized that what brings me to this point is the love I am holding on to and I ought to live every bit of it happily. I am not a tinge sad but better.
The very arms that embraces me before I close my eyes at night are owned by someone who has a love so huge that it erases every bit of doubt . With all these I am ready to face the future. Every night I will be at peace and with high hopes I could picture him with the key to open the doors at a place where my zealous friend awaits our reunion.
Good thing is, I just received a message from my future company. All for the best. I love you and borrowing Edward Cullen’s words, let’s start with forever!
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