Breakpoint

"I'm at a place I've never been and I'm stu-stu-stuttering..."

The song plays in an unending vortex tingling my tympanic membranes. I'm at a nook, not in a way similar as the song suggests, but just as unfamiliar. I've been into places where I assumed the role of a warrior. I couldn't count the times where I emerged victorious from every war against my inner demons but not in this one.

A year and a half had passed and here we are re-evaluating circumstances. I am afraid that the foundations I have been holding on to are inch by inch corroding. Was I blindsided?

Like a fish out of water, the commitment I have been working my ass off to salvage is turning its back on me. It’s craving for air. It can hardly breathe. I really do not understand why a phase as such would ever try to rain on my parade.

In retrospection, couple of events swiftly crossed the bridge. Like a movie in fast forward, details which we thought didn’t matter were missed. The flower I took is gradually wilting and the beauty I am trying to preserve seems not to listen. The fairytale suddenly had an anathema towards its creator.

Out of nowhere, he just suddenly went  cold. I am trying to understand. He asked for space.

I felt like the child robbed off of his favorite toy. But to put things like that is an understatement. I was helpless at that time. I couldn’t bear the thought of the space which seemed to exponentially grow. My wonderland is starting to morph into a nook filled with noxious air.

The thoughts of suicide went past me. Immeasurable pain keeps on poking my heart. I stare at the laptop, stabbing the keys while thoughts continue to flood me. I am afraid that tears may fall, for reasons and circumstances that I may soon lose control.

It is difficult to sort things and even recognize my individual world. Too many strings, in a web of knots, were left to be untied. I try to cling on to every memory and reliving the good times somehow keep me breathing. I commit crime as I continuously devour the innocent replay button – never wanting this to end, never moving forward.